Confessional
by carondelet
Summary: [completed] I know that as long as my sister is smilin' down on me, I am stronger than anyone or anythin'.


**Rating:** PG-13 for imagery and subject matter.

**Title:** Confessional

**Disclaimer:** The characters of Commander Charles Tucker III, Lieutenant Malcolm Reed, SubCommander T'Pol, Dr. Phlox, the Xindi, and the Enterprise, are from the "Star Trek: Enterprise" television program and are owned by Paramount. Their use is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement is intended or should be inferred.

**Spoiler Alert:** Spoilers to the Season Two episode "The Expanse" and to parts of Season Three.

**Summary:** I know that as long as my sister is smilin' down on me, I am stronger than anyone or anythin'.

**Pairings:** None

**Author's Notes:** To date, my first and only Star Trek-related fanfic. Another exercise, in terms of style and delivery (and a dalliance with writing in dialect) and also as a character study and a portrayal of grief.

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Confessional

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_**-** featuring Cmdr. Charles "Trip" Tucker III **-**_

**recording - manual entry at 0103 Zulu **

_**00:00:05**_

Yeah, well...this is s'posed to help me. Be therapeutic. That's what the doc said. Therapeutic. _sound_

Guess there are only so many people the doc can have a sit down with.

_inaudible_

God, I hate this. Stupid waste of time. Damn stupid thing.

_inaudible _

I'm sorry. That wasn't nice of me. Doc's doin' the best he can under the circumstances. With so many people on board...so many...and, I reckon, he thought I'd take to this better, after havin' dictated letters back to home and all.

**recording auto-paused at 0104 Zulu **

I don't think I could do this face to face, ya know? I don't...I don't...I don't wanna see. Anyone. I don't wanna see anyone.

I don't want anyone to see me.

No. Not like this. Not like this.

**recording suspended - manual override at 0105 Zulu **

_**00:00:33 **_

I, ah...can't sleep.

Anymore.

Not since Lizzie died.

_sound_ No.

She didn't die. It's not like she just passed away. It's not like she got cancer or was hit by a car or even just passed in her sleep. She was murdered.

Murdered... _inaudible _

I try to sleep, but sleep won't come. Not because I wanna stay awake. Only when exhaustion takes me do I sleep. Only then.

**recording auto-paused at 0107 Zulu **

But that's when the nightmares come. They come for me then. They keep comin'. They will not stop.

God, make it stop.

**recording auto-paused at 0109 Zulu **

Sometimes she's crying. Other times...I can hear her. Dear God, I can hear her...hear...

**recording auto-paused at 0111 Zulu **

But I can't see her.

I can't see her anymore.

Why is that?

I sit and I remember places and things and people and smells and songs but I can't remember her face. Even when I stare at her photos, sit and stare for hours, the moment I close my eyes her features fade from my memory. Why is that? Why is that happening to me? I don't want to forget her. I can't forget her. God, don't make me forget her. Why can't I see her face? Why can I only hear her crying and screaming? Why?

_inaudible _

...why...?

**recording auto-paused at 0113 Zulu **

...w-why...?

_inaudible _

I...I can't see her now. It's all turned red. My dreams. My waking hours. Red. All of it. The deepest shade of crimson red.

I hate red anymore. I heard a rumor that Mal was thinking about changing the name of the tactical alerts to red alerts. _sound_ That happens I might hafta punch someone. Oh man...ah, I think I hafta do that regardless. Gimme a reason to swing on someone. Hell, I got reason, who the hell am I kiddin'. Just gimme one of them damn Xindi for five minutes. That's all I want. Five minutes. Five minutes.

Five m-minutes.

God...

_inaudible _

_sound _

**recording suspended manual override at 0134 Zulu **

_**00:25:13 **_

Everyone keeps tellin' me that Lizzie is in a better place. Who in the hell knows that for sure? I'm sorry, I know...no, wait, I take that back. I'm not sorry. I'm sick and tired of it. Sick and tired of people tellin' me that she's in a better place. Maybe she is. I want to think that she is. Believe that she is. But that's private. That's between me and Lizzie and God and no one else. Shut the hell up and stay out of my damn business. Why does everyone have to be some damn do-gooder and tell me that Lizzie is in Heaven? Do I look that stupid? _sound_ Hell, maybe I do...

I know everyone is bein' nice. Everyone is tryin' the best that they can. I'm just so sick and tired of it. At least Mal and T'Pol have it right. Say you're sorry once and lemme alone. I need ya, I want ya, I'll let ya know. Stop checkin' on me like I'm on some damn unspoken suicide watch. I ain't gonna off myself. I'm not like that.

I know that as long as my sister is smilin' down on me, I am stronger than anyone or anythin'.

_inaudible _

Yeah, I'd like to believe that. I really would. But I know the truth. _sound_ Actually...I don't know anythin'. Anythin' at all.

Wait, I take that back. I know one thing. That I don't believe in anythin'.

In anyone.

In me. Especially in me.

God, I hate them.

**recording auto-paused at 0153 Zulu **

I'm sorry...

Please forgive me for not being there. Forgive me for not being the one.

I'm so sorry, Lizzie...

_inaudible _

Please forgive me for being alive...

I want to believe in somethin' again...God...help me...please...

_inaudible _

I hate...me...

**recording suspended manual override at 0156 Zulu **

_**00:48:43 **_

I keep...prayin'...it's a dream.

It's some damned nightmare from which I fear I'll never awaken.

Every day, I try to see her face...to see her smile...to hear her voice ...

But all I can see is pain... _sound_ ...death... _sound_ All I can hear is the sound of her scr –

_inaudible _

Every mornin' on this damn mission I wake to find myself in some fresh new hell. Always wonderin' if this time will be the last time I have this nightmare. Wonderin' if this time is the time that I finally wake up and go back to livin'.

**recording auto-paused at 0200 Zulu **

I feel as though I've been possessed, constantly tormented by some demon.

...how do I get this devil out of my soul?

_inaudible _

I keep thinkin' of this passage from the Bible. Over and over and over again it turns itself in the back of my mind. "And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly..." There's more, but just that one line...it's from Ecclesiastes. And it's true.

But I didn't lose only my heart. I think I've also lost my soul.

If I didn't go out here, if we didn't go out here, if I hadn't gotten Enterprise outta the damn docks and outta the system...then the damn Xindi would have never paid attention to us, right? They would have never cared that Earth existed, let alone know that Earth existed. If I hadn't given my heart to know wisdom, I wouldn't now be...losin' my mind... _sound _

_inaudible _

I'm so tired, Lizzie...so damn tired. _inaudible _

**recording suspended manual override at 0214 Zulu **

_**01:15:02 **_

Cruelty has a human heart...where is that from? I know it from someplace... Cruelty has a human heart...and jealousy...a human face? I know this...

Dammit, I need a drink.

**recording suspended manual override at 0216 Zulu **

_**01:54:13 **_

What was it you told me once? We were...I dunno, playin' somethin'. Not real sure what now. We were pretty young, though. Nah, I remember now, we were climbin' trees. _sound_ Ah, man, stereotypical and idyllic, right? _sound_ Downright Rockwellesque and all that. _sound_ Yeah, I was the one climbin' trees, but you were too scared to follow. Not really scared, you were just smarter than me, more cautious than me. You were like that when we were younger. The one to get your idiot older brother in line. You always worried for me. Always thought about me. I remember that I told ya that if you climbed up with me I'd never let you fall. You know what ya said to me? Never is a promise an' I couldn't afford to lie.

_inaudible _

_sound_ I'll never forget that. You had me. You always had me on stuff like that. You were too smart for me, Lizzie. Too damn smart. Hell, I was so proud of ya. You could always run rings around me. So, so smart. So smart...

So...

_inaudible _

**recording auto-paused at 0323 Zulu **

I've got half a mind, it's cracked and breaking..._inaudible _

_sound_ There's an angel in the house...she does not sleep...she is restless...

She's haunting me.

_inaudible _

Lizzie, why can't I see your face!

_inaudible _

**recording auto-paused at 0329 Zulu **

_sound_ I will let you down...I will make you hurt...

I have been in her house...

I no longer sleep...

**recording auto-paused at 0331 Zulu **

But that's okay.

If I can't sleep, I can't dream. I can live like that.

Live without bein' alive.

Yeah, I can do that.

I can...I...can...

...no, no, no, no, I can't, no, I can't, no, God, I can't, I ju-

**recording stopped manual entry at 0341 Zulu **

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**: kore de zenbu :**


End file.
